In the arena of mental health, men often grapple in silent battles. In the name of strength and resilience, men can find themselves perpetuating their cycle of suffering. All the while we fail to see the slow erosion that leads us into a dark and broken place. Not only do men suffer from depression and anxiety, but their propensity to not get help puts them at great risk of danger. Statistically, men have the highest rate of death by suicide. It is imperative that we help men recognize the state of their mental health and equip them to break out of their cycles of pain and forge their paths to peace.
Mental health is one of the biggest factors in how men relate to themselves and to others. It affects the way we show up in the world around us in our relationships, at our jobs, in sex, or even when we are alone. Below are some of the major mental health issues that men wrestle with:
However, poor mental health impacts men in more ways than just the big issues above. More often men find themselves impacted in everyday life.
Emotional Dysregulation
Relational Distress
Emotional Numbness
Self-Destructive Behaviors
Hopelessness (i.e. Feeling Stuck or Trapped)
Depression in Men
Eight million men in America suffer from depression. The symptoms of depression in men are often more challenging to distinguish since men tend to minimize emotions. Here are some signs that a person may have depression:
Feeling sad or hopeless.
Losing interest in activities or things that used to be very important to them.
Changes in appetite or significant rapid change in weight.
Changes in sleeping: having difficulty falling asleep or waking up.
Having difficulty concentrating.
Reckless behavior.
Self-loathing or other strong negative views about yourself.
Being tired or lethargic.
Being irritable or angry.
If you or someone you know is experiencing many of these symptoms, consider talking with a doctor or therapist about what is going on. Even if there is a clear cause to these depressive symptoms, talking through it with someone can be extremely helpful.
Anger
As men we often think of our anger as our primary emotion. In actuality, anger is a secondary emotion. Anger is expressed as a reaction to a deeper emotion that is too painful, so we cover it up with rage. This protects us and emboldens us to action. Unfortunately, anger often hurts those around us in the process. For many men, anger feels inescapable and insurmountable. It doesn’t have to be. By discovering and working through those deeper emotions, we can learn to navigate our pain in ways that empower us to find peace without the collateral of our rage.
What can I do when I get mad?
While therapy can help discover and address those deeper issues that might activate a person’s anger, there are things that a person can do to regulate themselves:
Breathe. Practice deep breathing exercises to calm your body’s physiological response to anger. Inhale deeply through your nose, hold for a few seconds, and exhale slowly through your mouth. Repeat several times until you feel more relaxed.
Time Out. When you feel yourself becoming overwhelmed with anger, remove yourself from the situation temporarily. Take a break to cool down and regain perspective before addressing the issue.
Do Something Active. Channel your anger into physical activity such as running, walking, or engaging in sports. Exercise can help release pent-up energy and reduce feelings of anger and frustration.
Journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal to gain insight into the underlying causes of your anger. Reflecting on your emotions can help you identify triggers and develop healthier coping strategies. Journaling also allows you to slow down and organize your thoughts that otherwise run rampant in your mind.
How to know if I need help?
“To live is to suffer…” — Friedrich Nietzsche
We tend to think that we only need help when our issues are abnormal, or our life is spiraling out of control. As a result, we don’t go to therapy until our wives threaten divorce, our friends stage an intervention, or we are sitting alone in very dark thoughts. The problem is that life is full of pain, suffering and loss at many levels. These experiences build in us a system of coping that works to manage the weight of it all…until it doesn’t. Often, we find that our ways of coping have helped us at significant cost or that they aren’t truly effective at providing peace.
As men, we are trained to handle things ourselves or just push through the pain. This works well for a lot of situations. However, there comes a time when pushing through the pain is increasing your suffering now and in the future. If you are wondering if you need therapy, ask yourself some of these questions:
How long have I been dealing with this issue? Have I been able to figure it out by myself?
How badly is it affecting my life? Do I want to keep living this way or do I want something different?
How has this issue affected my relationships? How will it continue to affect them?
What have I tried to fix it? How successful have those things been?
Do I feel out of control, stuck, or resentful?
Handling it yourself or pushing through the pain works until it doesn’t. If it isn’t working anymore, maybe it’s time to consider something different. Maybe it’s time to consider therapy.
Why is Therapy Helpful?
“…to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.” — Friedrich Nietzsche
There are a lot of reasons men might avoid the idea of going to therapy. In my work with men, the biggest barrier has often been the complete misunderstanding of what therapy is. Some men think it is only for crazy, irrational people. Some men imagine the therapist treating them like a child or talking down to them. Still some men consider therapy to be antithetical to their beliefs, whether it is religion or individualism. These ideas completely misunderstand what therapy is and why it is so helpful for so many. Therapy is a unique experience where men encounter a space for them to be vulnerable and transparent without the risks implicit in other relationships. Here are some reasons therapy helps men:
Therapy is confidential. In a space where nothing leaves the room, there is relief in releasing what’s been hidden. Out of that relief comes clarity.
Therapists are trained. The world of emotions and pain can be overwhelming or foreign to men. Therapists have spent years learning how to help navigate it.
Therapists are trainers. In addition to self-discovery and actualization, men can receive practical tools that empower them to show up differently in their lives.
Therapists ask questions. Sometimes, to find the answers, all a person needs is someone to ask the questions that no one else is asking.
Therapists listen. This is a space where a person is completely committed to understanding you for the purpose of helping you understand yourself.
Therapists are strangers. When men show up in a space outside of the politics of everyday life, they are free to engage in unprecedented honesty towards themselves and the therapist.
Too many men come to therapy as a last resort. They have reached the end of themselves and realized that they don’t know how to find peace on their own. Unfortunately, at this point, they have usually already experienced a lot of pain and perhaps caused a lot of damage in their lives. One of the most common regrets I hear from the men I work with is, “Why did I wait so long to start therapy?” When you’ve got an engine warning light, you don’t wait until your car breaks down to take the car to the shop. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. We know these things and yet when it comes to our own peace and well-being, we wait to seek help until the pain becomes unbearable. Take time to deeply consider if you might benefit from therapy. Addressing the small issues now can prevent unnecessary problems down the road.
book suggestions:
(as an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases)
Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl
Gentle and Lowly by Dane C. Ortlund
Sex in a Broken World by Paul David Tripp
12 Rules for Life by Jordan Peterson
-written by Nathan Blattman, MA, LPC-Associate; under supervision of Erik Salwen, PhD, LPC